I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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