i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He did a backflip because drugs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
