you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize