it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize