you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
