he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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