Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
