She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
