the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
