So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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