I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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