got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
