im about as happy as oj after his trial
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize