so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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