Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
