i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
