I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize