I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
