At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
