my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
