there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
