I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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