ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
