LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
