between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my shit smells like andre
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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