Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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