Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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