she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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