I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
