Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
