PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize