apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
