Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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