the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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