my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
