remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
