I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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