Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
