Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
