Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
