Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
