What did we do last night that was yellow?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
