mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Less talking, more tequila
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
