$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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