watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
