She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
