rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
