I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
