don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so let's talk penis.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
