I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
