he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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