just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
