I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
