Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
