hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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