If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
