actually, I'm a sock model
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
