Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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