Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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