dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
